When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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