Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
