ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
