rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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