I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
