I am puke
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
