Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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