Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
