Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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