Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
