I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
