it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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