The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
this just has baby written all over it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
