Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
