wrigley field is MILF paradise
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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