So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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