I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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