Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
