I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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