I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
