someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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