im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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