First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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