i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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