There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
