Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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