i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
