I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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