We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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