I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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