So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
