She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
