Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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