I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
