I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
