i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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