did you get engaged???
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
