i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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