your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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