I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why is there bacon in the couch?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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