im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
