I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
