He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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