im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
