Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
