anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
