I just threw up on my dentist
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
