Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
