i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Two words: nipple clamps
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