Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
